Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Fall Knitty Review

Okay, so first of all. This is my first review of a knitting magazine, but I'm thinking of doing them more often, because often when I google a pattern, I find that other people's opinions of the patterns are usually pretty helpful or at least help me see it in a different light (when I am blinded by the skinny model and may not realize that those nipple bobbles will be highly unfortunate in the bright, critical fluorescents of my office).

Starting off with the articles, most of the stuff is super-boring. I mean, it's handing to know how to do a double crochet bind off, but it's not crucial, and not something I am like, dying to know. And let me add at this juncture that if you are having a really hard time figuring out a 3-needle bind off, there are some issues that you seriously need to address with your skill level. I mean, how fucking intuitive could something be?

Jenna's column is too smart for me. I think it's outstanding that knitty features it because I know one day I am going to totally need that stuff when I have sacked up enough to design my own sweater, and the length thing is perfect for one of the designs in this issue, actually, but it's all mathy and hard and I'm like "pop".

The real good article in this is the one about the double-knitting of socks. It's genius, usable, and just really, really, really cool. That shit is what really revs my motor. So crafty and ingenious!

Okay, so on to the patterns.

Viveka - red, bell-sleeved sweater.
Well, first of all, it's made of Tactel, which is polywhatsit and nylon. I have this thing where I hate the drape of non-natural fibers. I mean, sometimes it can be used to its advantage, and you get weird, cool, shapeless stuff that looks kind of good in a deconstructed way, but man, this so does not. If it was in a wool or alpaca or silk blend or something, I think it would look way better. Also, the neckline? Is shitty. It's too low, and you have to wear a shirt or camisole underneath it, which then lends itself to that super layer pudge (have any of you larger girls actually tried layering a deep V over a t-shirt or tank? It looks like shit because it makes your tits look like giant escaping beach balls. I don't like it. The sleeves are alright, though.

Lucie - collared variegated purple pullover
God, save us from variegated yarns. I mean, look. There is a time and a place, and neither of those is "now" and "all over your torso." The silhouette is totally cute, and this is the one I would consider making (but it would have to be lengthened because that sucker would totally show off ass crack), but never, never, never in a variegated yarn. Just because it looks pretty in the skein does not mean it will look pretty as a top. I see people wearing variegated yarn clothing items and they look like sad knitting myopia victims. Do it in a solid, maybe with some stripes or even, ooh, accent seaming and it would be adorable.

Cactus Flower - Mohair and something else pullover with mohair cowl neck
What kind of robots are you people who can stand to have mohair lounging around your sensitive, tender little necks? It feels soft to the hand, sure, but when you put it against soft sensitive skin, you know what it feels like? Satan.

Ivy - wrap cardigan.
...oh, wait, sorry? What did you say? I was asleep from boredom as I have seen this pattern 900,000,000 times already.

Serrano - red lace cardigan
This is cute. I don't like the hook/eye combo because it has a tendency to make those of us who are more bustular look like "HULK SMASH" but that's not to difficult to insert a decent button band or something. It's pretty, light, and would be perfect office cardigan material.

Avast - Men's grey zip-up cardigan.
This is fucking cool. I dig the raglan sleeves, the collar, the tiny little detail at the bottom. It's hip and not grandpa-ish. More of this sort of stuff, please. Well, that is what I would say if I ever would consider knitting for my husband.

Sherwood - green kid's pullover.
Kid's clothes are invisible to me. I am not going to review any of them.

Intolerable Cruelty - mauve skirt
What made me decide to review this Knitty. "Hey guys, are you busy knitting stuff and haven't found enough things that make you look like a total whore? Fret no longer, streetwalkers and skanks! Here is a skirt just for you!" And here's something else.

I think that this skirt would enhance a slim figure, and look absolutely fabulous on a voluptuous one. Wear it anywhere that you want to draw attention to yourself. It will turn heads.

Yeah, of johns. And fat chicks, do not believe her. It will make you look like a fucking purple ribbony bratwurst.

Little Slip of a Thing - purple and green slip stitch felted bag.
Oh my god, did you say a felted bag? With slip stitches?! HOLY CRAP, I HAVE NEVER SEEN ONE OF THESE BEFORE!!!! Oh wait, yes I have. Also, that color combination is horrible. Now if it were pink and that green, I would say "cute but still boring".

Lizard Ridge - Noro patchwork afghan
This is breathtaking. Absolutely beautiful.

Red Herring - red and brown herringbone socks
I love these. The colors are cute, the pattern is adorable, and I could totally see these as knee socks with a tweedy skirt.

Cable Net - blue intricately cabled socks
You better like cables just for the sake of doing them, because nobody will ever compliment you on these unless you beg for it, which is a shame, because they're beautiful and cranking out a pair of these would be quite the accomplishment.

Sox on 2 Stix - see title
Besides the inordinately annoying pluralizing with "x", making socks on two knitting needles is letting the terrorists win. This should be illegal.

Diamante - purple socks
Good for those of you who are making a giant wardrobe of handknit socks to wear every day. I have a thing against purple.

Sugar on Snow - neckwarmer hat thingy
Neckwarmers need to die. That hat is ugly.

Tamarah - weirdo lace shawl
HOLD THE FUCKING SHAWL OUT SO I CAN SEE WHAT SHAPE IT IS! It is also too small, but that can be fixed.

Twiggy Tweed - orange and pink bag
It will be a cold day in hell before I actually use a knitted bag as a purse (I do have a knitted bag that I hold my spinning junk in), but if I was forced at gunpoint to pick a bag, it would be this one. It is not horrible.

Back To School - washcloths with words on them.
I'm not gonna lie to you. Washcloths can be really handy. I have a couple of them lying around that I use for cleaning my toilet and other gross things. But I don't think I would, oh, spend time doing intarsia or Swiss Darning to put stupid words on them.

All in all, I found it to be a very disappointing knitty. Hopefully winter will be better.


Kim in Oregon said...

Couldn't agree with you more! Usually in knitty.com there is one thing I need to cast on immediately upon seeing, but the only thing I'm even vaguely interested in is the cable net socks. And your comment on those is spot on.

AR said...

I like some of the patterns, but no one in the world, no matter what size, should wear that skirt. Not even on Halloween.

Muffinzz said...

I really did like Serrano, but the design feature I really liked was the hooks and eyes, and you're right - anybody with something substantial up front is going to be all boobs a poppin' with something that gapey.

I can't wait to try that sock in a sock thing, though.

Terri D. said...

Well, dang, Siobhan--why don't you tell us how you really feel ; )?

I found more stuff to like in here but thanks for the irreverent review; a little snark never hurt anybody.

Sharon said...

On the whole I agree with you, the one stand out for me was Lizard Ridge and I see that you appreciated that one too.

As for that skirt!!

Anonymous said...

Wow. You were a little harsh. Maybe next time you could be constructive in your criticism? Or maybe your design didn't make the cut.... hmmmm.