Variegated Yarn Is The New Fun Fur

So I was checking out the new Fall Knitty, and while I don't feel like there is a huge number of catastrophic failures out there (although, I'm sorry, but you are never going to convince me that the beret is coming back, and I say this as someone who bought Anna Zilboorg's hat book, which like, why did I buy that?! I am never going to make something out of that book. It is like, too lame for RenFest people. I don't think homeless people would ever wear any of those hads), I am a little bugged by the whole "I wear clothes made out of variegated yarn" thing.

Por ejemplo:

Cherie Amour - although the gauge is too thick for me, the pattern's cute, I assume, but it's so difficult to tell because of the color vomitousness. Same with Mr. Greenjeans and Roam.

Sure, I know, not difficult to replace with a solid color - it just seems to me that variegated yarn use is the first sign of someone who has lost the perspective when it comes to knitting. We all go through it to a certain degree - I get the wicked hard jones to start doing really intricate Norwegian colorwork because I know that it is inordinately difficult, and proof of skill, but then I check myself and think "sure, it's beautiful, to a knitter, because we inherently see the skill or value therein, but to everyone else, it looks like a grandma sweater." And then I move it off my list again, having to content myself with perhaps selecting a cute ski sweater (I guess I'm going to have to come up with my own reindeer-patterned yoke style) or something else to lust after.

I think this is also a problem with my peeps, the spinners. I am warning you, variegated yarn is a gateway drug. Because you think "wow, look at these color combinations, and all in one yarn, color color color" and then you get tunnel vision about how perhaps that thing that reminds you of wildflowers in the spring in the skein will look when you, yourself are covered in odd little blotches of red, yellow, green, blue and brown. Answer: like your Koigu vomited on you.

And I love Koigu. I think Variegated yarn has its place. And that place is called "Accessoryland". Socks, gloves, fuck, ladies, I'll even give you a scarf, perchance even a hat, if you can stop rolling into the yarn store proudly wearing the cardigans you made out of hundreds of dollars' worth of ugly, ugly yarn. If you want interesting color combinations, think stripes. Think Fair Isle. Fuck (I can't believe I'm even saying this), think intarsia before you think "well, I'm just going to make this out of variegated yarn because it's like, every pretty color in one!"

Don't even get me started on variegated lace shawls. I'll just leave it at the point that here you are, spending all this time making this beautiful lace piece, and you decide to fucking ruin it by making it in a variegated colorway, removing any ability for people to actually see the details in the lace? Stop. Please, please, just stop. I know, colors are pretty, but just walk away.

This also goes for you self-stripers out there. Enough.